Normalcy

In this moment, I feel like my life is the way it was 2 weeks ago. All the babies are sleeping, Dave is taking a nap and I am left to myself with silence. Finally. I can see Dave's boots by the door as though he just took them off and the diaper bag as though we would be going somewhere. I have been here before, in a different capacity, but this is weirdly familiar.
An eight minute meeting and our whole life has changed. Now our minds are filled with what ifs and what wills and whys and hows. No answers are coming, and hope goes from frustration back to hope back to anger back to hope back to fear and all over again.
loneliness is something I have thought I have felt before. Never like this. I feel like my whole world is shifting underneath me, and everything that I held tight is slowly slipping between my fingers. A new place, new people, new home, new disease, new baby, new life. A new husband. How do I support him? How do I encourage him? How do I comfort him? How do I take care of 3 kids under 2 and him without forgetting that my teeth need to be brushed and I do require sleep eventually? I don't know. The answers aren't coming.
This will go away, movement will come, hands will work, feet will walk - will hearts be mended? Will hope return to my husband who seems to slip further away each day? I don't know. Answers aren't coming. I have none for him it seems, and the words that I say seem to be falling on deaf ears.
I understand prayer now though in a whole new way. God already knows how we are feeling, what we are going through, better than we do ourselves. Yet He wants to travel the road with us. To be included. To not feel like an outsider in the life that He created.
God must be lonely.
I watch him and so badly want to help him, heal him, fix it. I can't. I know how he is feeling, but I still ask just so he will talk to me. And sometimes he does, in couple word sentences. But most of the time, the question is returned with silence and I don't know where to go. Together we stand, divided we fall. But he can't think that way. He is going it alone. He doesn't have the strength. But how often do I go it alone on my own strength and fall flat on my face? I'm doing it even now as I'm complaining about my situation.
So this is the new normal. Trying to be Proverbs 31, and holding on to James 1 and Jeremiah 27. Praying that these words become reality and I will soon be able to stand on a mountain top and proclaim that they really are true to me in a whole new way. Right now, though, they seem like words on paper. Made with ink. Happy little self-help encouragement.
Ribs - there is always more meat on them than we get off the first go around. You got to keep chewing. I need to keep chewing on those passages. I will get to the bone, eventually.
Who am I now? Am I a good wife? Am I a good mom? Am I a good daughter, friend, sister? Right now I know the darkness in my life, in my heart, like no one else. I know the selfishness that is going through my mind and heart, the bitterness the resentment, the anger. How do I stop being so gross and start being the wonderful wife and mom that everyone keeps telling me that I am? No answers are coming.
I want normal. Not the new normal, but the 2 week ago normal. That was good. That had a future, that had hope and excitement. This may eventually, but now now. I don't like this new normal, not at all.