Tarin came last weekend at the drop of a hat (thank goodness for her free schedule!) she was such a great help during Dave's treatments. Her and Emma have always loved each other so I know Tarin really enjoyed getting to reconnect with Emma.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Emma and Tarin
Tarin came last weekend at the drop of a hat (thank goodness for her free schedule!) she was such a great help during Dave's treatments. Her and Emma have always loved each other so I know Tarin really enjoyed getting to reconnect with Emma.
Emma and Lily
Both Luke and Emma love to help me feed the baby. Most of the time they are really just cramming the bottle into her face (poor baby) but I know it makes them feel very special and Lily is such a good sport about it.
My baby girls
Lily is really smiling now and she wakes up with a smile. It is so wonderful that she is such a good natured baby. And here is Emma, the best big sister in the whole wide world. Lily loves Emma, I can already tell. Whenever she sees Emma her eyes light up. Sometimes that happens with Luke, but usually she has a bit of trepidation when she sees him (for good reason!)
Here's some more for you...
Here is the scenery from my kitchen window and Emma laughing in her little two month way
More pics
Up until the last couple of days we had been "picnicking" in the kitchen so we wouldn't stain the chairs of the lady who lived here before. Emma gets really into the "dipping"
Perspective
This past weekend a friend of Dave's lost their baby who is two weeks younger than Lily. In the moment that I found out, my heart just sank and the question of, "where are you God in all of this?" came rushing into my head. Doug, the father of baby Nolan called Dave daily, even after Nolan died to ask Dave how he was doing. What pain we are going through, as real as it is, seems so minor to the pain that Doug and Jenny must be going through.
Dave is doing better the last few days. He is going to be alright. I am praying that his mobility will come back in its entirety but as of this exact moment, everything but his hands are in working order.
Anyhow, we received an offer on our house. We have to take a loss on the house, but it is worth it since the burden of making a mortgage payment and a rent payment in Kalispell will be overwhelming soon enough. They will be required to do an inspection with a few days, so after that is finished, we will see if they still want the house. Lord willing, they will. Come to find out, Pastor Mike left our house last week because someone he knew had just lost their 3 year old son, and that couple is the one who wants to buy our home. I can not imagine losing a child.
I see these things that are positive in our situation and know that God HAS to be somewhere in all of it. But then I see Doug and Jenny and can't begin to imagine that God is anywhere in this situation.
Good night to anyone who reads this. May you know where God is in your life, because not being able to find Him is possibly the most discouraging part of the day.
Dave is doing better the last few days. He is going to be alright. I am praying that his mobility will come back in its entirety but as of this exact moment, everything but his hands are in working order.
Anyhow, we received an offer on our house. We have to take a loss on the house, but it is worth it since the burden of making a mortgage payment and a rent payment in Kalispell will be overwhelming soon enough. They will be required to do an inspection with a few days, so after that is finished, we will see if they still want the house. Lord willing, they will. Come to find out, Pastor Mike left our house last week because someone he knew had just lost their 3 year old son, and that couple is the one who wants to buy our home. I can not imagine losing a child.
I see these things that are positive in our situation and know that God HAS to be somewhere in all of it. But then I see Doug and Jenny and can't begin to imagine that God is anywhere in this situation.
Good night to anyone who reads this. May you know where God is in your life, because not being able to find Him is possibly the most discouraging part of the day.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Who knows?
It is late. I am tired. I have used this site as a bulletin for my kids. But now, I am using it as a waste basket for my feelings I can't share out loud.
I am tired. I already said that. See, I really am exhausted. Well, I'll throw out more trash tomorrow - I just don't have the strength tonight.
I am tired. I already said that. See, I really am exhausted. Well, I'll throw out more trash tomorrow - I just don't have the strength tonight.
Normalcy
In this moment, I feel like my life is the way it was 2 weeks ago. All the babies are sleeping, Dave is taking a nap and I am left to myself with silence. Finally. I can see Dave's boots by the door as though he just took them off and the diaper bag as though we would be going somewhere. I have been here before, in a different capacity, but this is weirdly familiar.
An eight minute meeting and our whole life has changed. Now our minds are filled with what ifs and what wills and whys and hows. No answers are coming, and hope goes from frustration back to hope back to anger back to hope back to fear and all over again.
loneliness is something I have thought I have felt before. Never like this. I feel like my whole world is shifting underneath me, and everything that I held tight is slowly slipping between my fingers. A new place, new people, new home, new disease, new baby, new life. A new husband. How do I support him? How do I encourage him? How do I comfort him? How do I take care of 3 kids under 2 and him without forgetting that my teeth need to be brushed and I do require sleep eventually? I don't know. The answers aren't coming.
This will go away, movement will come, hands will work, feet will walk - will hearts be mended? Will hope return to my husband who seems to slip further away each day? I don't know. Answers aren't coming. I have none for him it seems, and the words that I say seem to be falling on deaf ears.
I understand prayer now though in a whole new way. God already knows how we are feeling, what we are going through, better than we do ourselves. Yet He wants to travel the road with us. To be included. To not feel like an outsider in the life that He created.
God must be lonely.
I watch him and so badly want to help him, heal him, fix it. I can't. I know how he is feeling, but I still ask just so he will talk to me. And sometimes he does, in couple word sentences. But most of the time, the question is returned with silence and I don't know where to go. Together we stand, divided we fall. But he can't think that way. He is going it alone. He doesn't have the strength. But how often do I go it alone on my own strength and fall flat on my face? I'm doing it even now as I'm complaining about my situation.
So this is the new normal. Trying to be Proverbs 31, and holding on to James 1 and Jeremiah 27. Praying that these words become reality and I will soon be able to stand on a mountain top and proclaim that they really are true to me in a whole new way. Right now, though, they seem like words on paper. Made with ink. Happy little self-help encouragement.
Ribs - there is always more meat on them than we get off the first go around. You got to keep chewing. I need to keep chewing on those passages. I will get to the bone, eventually.
Who am I now? Am I a good wife? Am I a good mom? Am I a good daughter, friend, sister? Right now I know the darkness in my life, in my heart, like no one else. I know the selfishness that is going through my mind and heart, the bitterness the resentment, the anger. How do I stop being so gross and start being the wonderful wife and mom that everyone keeps telling me that I am? No answers are coming.
I want normal. Not the new normal, but the 2 week ago normal. That was good. That had a future, that had hope and excitement. This may eventually, but now now. I don't like this new normal, not at all.
An eight minute meeting and our whole life has changed. Now our minds are filled with what ifs and what wills and whys and hows. No answers are coming, and hope goes from frustration back to hope back to anger back to hope back to fear and all over again.
loneliness is something I have thought I have felt before. Never like this. I feel like my whole world is shifting underneath me, and everything that I held tight is slowly slipping between my fingers. A new place, new people, new home, new disease, new baby, new life. A new husband. How do I support him? How do I encourage him? How do I comfort him? How do I take care of 3 kids under 2 and him without forgetting that my teeth need to be brushed and I do require sleep eventually? I don't know. The answers aren't coming.
This will go away, movement will come, hands will work, feet will walk - will hearts be mended? Will hope return to my husband who seems to slip further away each day? I don't know. Answers aren't coming. I have none for him it seems, and the words that I say seem to be falling on deaf ears.
I understand prayer now though in a whole new way. God already knows how we are feeling, what we are going through, better than we do ourselves. Yet He wants to travel the road with us. To be included. To not feel like an outsider in the life that He created.
God must be lonely.
I watch him and so badly want to help him, heal him, fix it. I can't. I know how he is feeling, but I still ask just so he will talk to me. And sometimes he does, in couple word sentences. But most of the time, the question is returned with silence and I don't know where to go. Together we stand, divided we fall. But he can't think that way. He is going it alone. He doesn't have the strength. But how often do I go it alone on my own strength and fall flat on my face? I'm doing it even now as I'm complaining about my situation.
So this is the new normal. Trying to be Proverbs 31, and holding on to James 1 and Jeremiah 27. Praying that these words become reality and I will soon be able to stand on a mountain top and proclaim that they really are true to me in a whole new way. Right now, though, they seem like words on paper. Made with ink. Happy little self-help encouragement.
Ribs - there is always more meat on them than we get off the first go around. You got to keep chewing. I need to keep chewing on those passages. I will get to the bone, eventually.
Who am I now? Am I a good wife? Am I a good mom? Am I a good daughter, friend, sister? Right now I know the darkness in my life, in my heart, like no one else. I know the selfishness that is going through my mind and heart, the bitterness the resentment, the anger. How do I stop being so gross and start being the wonderful wife and mom that everyone keeps telling me that I am? No answers are coming.
I want normal. Not the new normal, but the 2 week ago normal. That was good. That had a future, that had hope and excitement. This may eventually, but now now. I don't like this new normal, not at all.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Ya, ya fine whatever
Okay so I guess Lily looks like Emma - but seriously people, she really does look more like herself than anything, just give me that - I guess this just means we need another boy so I can have two that look like me!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Luke's big boy hair cut
My handsome little boy - he was so good for his haircut, thank God for the Wiggles!
Monday, February 4, 2008
BCT #2, pigtails, and bye bye house
I was going to write more, but it appears as though all kids are asleep, so I'm going to take a shower.
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